Stop Resentment
Although resentment is a tricky emotion to quit, you can do it if you fallow these 5 ways to stop resentment in your relationship
A lot of my resentment came from feeling used. You see, I am a person who could do everything for everyone and not think twice about it. And it would hurt when others would not do the same.
Resentment appeared to go in a loop of doing, waiting, resenting, blowing up and repeating. Frankly, I got tired of the part I played in this loop. Granted, the receiving person was not without fault. I still say it was entirely their fault Haha (I am a Sagittarius, and we are notorious for keeping tabs).
But none of the doing and then blaming fixed anything or stopped my resentment in my relationship. Our relationship just kept on going from bearable to shaky and back. I’m not a person who can keep going in a situation when things don’t get fixed; I like progress. I had to stop resentment in my relationship one way or another.
My Mistakes in Stopping Resentment
It took me damn near nine years of miserable resentment to learn from my mistakes. So, what kept going wrong?
It wasn’t until I began to work on my self-awareness that I learned what went wrong and why I couldn’t stop resenting my partner. Not speaking and expecting others to meet my needs was the reason I kept being resentful. I was contributing to my misery in my relationship with my unspoken expectations.
The confusing part is I can read anybody’s intentions, my curse. I pick up on tiny movements of the face, patterns of behavior that communicate a lot without even speaking. The other parts, I can read psychically (one of those things I was born with). But I forgot that other people were not like me, and I needed to relate what I wanted if I wanted to feel heard.
You must realize other people can’t read your mind. You have to share what is in your head, and what you need. That is the only way to stop resentment in your relationship.
We Give and Expect Back
Our resentment occurs when we give and expect back, but the other person falls short in reciprocation (giving back). We then harbor bad feelings towards them and continue to repeat this pattern.
Most partners are like us humans. We loved them in the beginning for a reason. Something in them gently held our souls, and it was a good fit, so I don’t believe that after a few years that fizzles out. Instead, I think we yearn to know them on a deeper level.
However, after a while, we fall into a pattern and begin to slack in showing care and devotion. But stopping resentment in relationships is one of those aspects you can control.
Here Are Five Way to Stop Resentment In Your Relationship.
Step One: Speak your expectations
You might be a mind reader, but the other person is not. State your needs and intentions whenever possible. If you have things you need to do or need help with household chores, make a to-do list and kindly request they get done. Don’t forget to be just as open about doing your end of their requested to-do’s.
Give a heads up if your schedule changes, and it will affect your partner. You might help the change, but you can control the communication.
Straight out ask for help with things that overwhelm you. If you have kids ask for help putting them to bed. Or you are picking up toys. The only instance where this might not work is if your partner has a very physical job; in this case, have them play on the floor or do a puzzle while you clean.
Step Two: Be proactive in your happiness
One of the saddest things to see is a perfectly capable person not meet their own expectations. You are responsible for your joy because it’s your own life. If you find that your life is passing by and you have not done things that expand your potential you need to do a life AUDIT. Stop and reconnect with that which makes you happy. This part of life balance is essential to how you feel about your purpose. Don’t hand your happiness over to anyone; take control.
The same goes for your partner. They need to be responsible for how happy they are. Don’t fall for “You” comments.
- You never
- You always
- You make me feel
- You made me
No one makes anyone feel any way without their permission (they is called gaslighting, and it can make the recipient feel like they are going crazy).
Step Three: Say No
Don’t feel guilty when you need to say no. I haven’t seen an award for my Yes’. The only thing I have seen is my anger and after that resentment.
Seriously, saying no is a form of self-care. When your partner says, ‘hey can you pick up my dry clean,’ say no if you are too tired or have other priorities. If you don’t feel like entertaining your in-laws because you are too tired, tell your partner NO to the family coming over.
Step Four: Be okay with your partner’s opinions
Part of emotional regulation is being able to take other people’s views without staying in a negative response mode. Relationships will have variances in life reactions, don’t take your
It took me a while to let go of petty comebacks and snarky remarks. But the more I did it, the less I HAD to respond in such a way. Heck, I have even let go of Facebook comebacks, try that one for size.
Step Five: Know the signs of incompatibility
Based on what I have read and learned from Yogis and Spiritual leaders, there is no incompatibility too high to split people apart. That means that most of our differences can be worked out by merely having equal respect for the individual in our lives. If you respect your differences and respect your partner’s differences, then there is little to keep you apart, little to resent. But the above can’t be achieved without complete acceptance of things as they are. And that is difficult without mastering the self.
However, if you have issues with the way another person believes or behaves and you understand it’s a deal-breaker for you, then that is what most likely you resent. Here are other significant philosophical differences that are hard to get over, and might make stopping resentment difficult.
- Freedom
- Peace
- Family
- Money
- Health
- Happiness
- Achievement
- Creativity
- Independence
- Honesty
- Loyalty
- Personal Development
Once again, most of the above are the leading causes of splitting up between couples. If you want your relationship to succeed, you must work on mutual respect when making choices about those significant differences.
One more thing, just because you can work things out does not mean it will be secure, and most of all if you cannot move past it, you are not a failure. Life will be okay if you choose to move on.
Finally
Resentment stems from our unmet expectations. Work on communication and respect towards your partner. Remember, the only person you can control is yourself, never another person. Only then can you stop resenting one another.
Also, stop beating yourself over your partner’s inability to change, and instead learn to change you and your interaction with them. If you focus on your happiness, you will lessen your happiness expectation from others, and that makes you in control of your life happiness.
Works Cited
Wikipedia Contributors. (2019, August 3). Resentment. Retrieved August 7, 2019, from Wikipedia website: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resentment
How Personal Core Values Can Sabotage or Save your Relationship. (2012). Retrieved August 7, 2019, from Sherie Venner | Writer website: https://sherievenner.com/2012/personal-core-values-sabotage-relationship/
NLP Coach | Helping you get unstuck and free of relationship anxiety. (2014). Retrieved August 7, 2019, from Sherievenner.com website: https://sherievenner.com/
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